Separated from wife over communication issues. Am I missing something?

This difference in communication styles is why the field of family therapy exists. Whether you want to stay married or not you'd still benefit from some marriage counseling if only to get you to where you can discuss your children. 

"Am I missing something?"

Yes, the fact that 27 years of being talked over has set a pattern where she doesn't feel that she can or will be listened to in any worthwhile way. That takes a whole lot of undoing.

Perhaps rather than trying to do this by yourself, you two get some help to deal with past feelings?

Yes, you are missing "something". You are separated ! If you cannot communicate productively over important things like the children, consider hiring a mediator through the divorce courts. They are trained to facilitate communication and problem solving, with the aim of each person achieving something of what they hope to gain. As to whether you are "missing something"? Its a bit late for that. 

Thanks everyone for the quick responses.  I want clarify a few things though. 

@n2mama

I certainly don't try to talk down to her, but I see how she might take it that way. We are both honor students and she is very intelligent so I always wonder why she is not willing to try a little more to say what's on her mind. And yes we were both horrible at compromising in the past. I have been try to do better lately and never raise my voice now, even when she does. We have a lot to work on but I offered this as a gesture of peace and willingness to communicate better.

@seedy history

The yelling and swaring from me is not just less now, it's literally at zero. And I'm not always trying to be right. In fact I openly admit to my contribution to the tension by yelling. She also yells, but I definitely did more of that before so I had to fix myself first. I know that and I've done that. She's not even disputing that this is better. She just doesn't believe it's a permanent change even after years of doing this. Now I listen to her yell (still less than before), but I don't respond by yelling back. Obviously, there's more to work on, but it all starts with being able to talk to each other without it being a painful chore. When she tells me her feelings, I always acknowledge them and even apologize for not understanding before. Still she doubts my sincerity. This seems to be the main obstacle. Not sure how I can get her to see that I'm really trying to do this for real. If I can't, we're doomed. And yes I've suggested counseling, but she doesn't want to go, even though she suggested it in the past.

Obviously you are missing something here, because if your changes were true and heartfelt, she wouldn’t have moved out. Fighting for three decades is exhausting, especially when you feel like you are never heard or valued. The fact that you say that you agree that you are better at debating and making a point reads like you talk her down and argue until she gives in to your way. 

You clearly don’t know the way to compromise in a relationship, as you’ve spent thirty years fighting. It doesn’t even really sound like you want to stay married because of the good things, etc., it sounds like you don’t want to have the failed marriage, especially if it might be in some way your fault. This sounds like a lot of manipulation and ulterior motives, without much real ownership and true desire for change and improvement. You say you were loud and insistent and she avoided you-no surprise there, most people would avoid interactions with someone who yells and tries to talk them down all the time. 

If you actually want to work on staying married, you need professional help, both on an individual and a couples level.

It’s very difficult to take back things that were already said.   So it is always in our best interest to think before we speak and think about who we ar

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talking to.  We do not want to hurt the ones we love.  In the Bible Colossians 3:19 states, You husbands, keep on loving your wives and do not be bitterly angry with them.

I have attached an article for you to read and have a great website you can check out, free of charge and full of useful spiritual truths. JW.org. Please scroll to marriage and family.  I hope this helps and when you can share this with your wife.

https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=1020104...

Sounds like she has been fighting a losing battle.  And you still want to be right all the time even if you are yelling and cussing less loudly and maybe less often. After 29 years of marriage... you two still have minor children in the household? That's likely to be exhausting. Shouldn't they be getting up there now and largely able to be in charge of themselves? How much strictness and disciplining do the kids still need? 

When she tells you have she FEELS.... you fight about that? So you care so much about how she feels that if it's not in agreement with you then it's a fight? You get that's not actually caring about HER, right? That's just caring twice about you. 

29 years of conflict in a marriage is NOT actually a Marriage it's a prison and you are BOTH the wardens...

N.Shadows