S J

We fought for most of our 29 year marriage. Recently she moved out because of all the arguing, yelling, swearing, but never hitting. We're both above that. 

My biggest complaint is that she avoids important discussions (disciplining kids, major purchases, etc). She doesn't like confrontation due to the anxiety it gives her. So she refuses to talk about things for days weeks or months. I prefer to suck it up and reach an agreement so we can move on. As parents, we have to be able to discuss difficult topics. But she refuses.  

So we usually handle things separately as they come up, then end up arguing about the choices that were made. I hate this since it's both predictable and avoidable. 

Her biggest complaint is that I am difficult to talk to. I am technical, stricter with the kids, and don't like to sugarcoat things. I can be a bit abrasive at times. We agree I am better at debating and making a point. This makes her feel like she's fighting a losing battle. 

I was loud and insistent because she shut me out. But she avoided me because I was loud and insistent. So a year or 2 ago, I ended the cycle. I controlled my wording and eliminated my angry tone as a gesture of good will, hoping she would respond by being more open to conversations that were previously difficult. Instead, she told me she's still afraid to talk to me and believes it's all an act to get her to stay and that I would soon change back to old habits. Now we fight about that. Am I missing something?