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?
Lv 7
? asked in Social ScienceGender Studies · 1 year ago

Ladies, can you give guys examples/tips on how not to be a creep?

There seem to be at least some men who either are genuinely confused about how not to come across as an obnoxious creep when expressing their interest in the women around them, or are pretending to be thus confused.

I'm willing to give at least some of them the benefit of the doubt.  There are guys out there who have poor social skills, or got led astray by BS pickup-artist crap, or whatever, and genuinely don't know why they're coming across as creeps.

So, fellow womenfolk, what advice would you give to confused dudes who want to express sexual/romantic interest in women on how not to seem like a creep, a jerk, or a sexual harasser when they do so?

Please be as specific/clear/direct as possible, eg don't just say "look for signs of disinterest", say "look for signs of disinterest, like A, B, or C"

6 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Why women get easily creeped out by everything or anything a man does? Maybe women are just retarded?

  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    A few tips, from my perspective:

    1. Look for, and pay attention to, "no" signs.  This does not just literally mean the word "no", this includes things like her ignoring you/not responding, her giving monosylabic answers, her answering then immediately returning her attention to her book/phone/friend/etc, and the like.  Basically, look for signs that she doesn't want to talk to you, and *respect them*.

    2. Take no for an answer, gracefully.  Whether it is a literal "no", or an indirect "no" like her ignoring you, don't turn into a jerk-monster because she didn't want what you were "selling".  Unless she did something actively rude (like mock you), don't make any snide or hurtful remarks, threaten her, or otherwise treat her poorly just because she wasn't interested in your advances.

    3. If she has to be there, and/or has to be "nice" to you, don't push.  If, eg, your waitress is flirting with you, it's OK to flirt back a bit, but you shouldn't be grabbing her butt, asking for her number, or otherwise making yourself something she *has* to pay attention to (at least *that* way, it's OK to, eg, get her to come over to refill your drink, because that actually *is* her job, but not anything else).  If you want to express genuine interest, give her *your* number, because that puts the ball entirely in her court. 

    Similarly, if you're interested in a colleague, especially someone who is to *any* degree your subordinate, do *not* make a pass while actually *at* work.  At most, say something like "Hey, do you want to go get a drink some time?" or something, and, again, take no for an answer.

    4. If you're not sure, don't.  Or, at least, ask first.  That goes for touching, making sexually suggestive comments, invading her personal space, or whatever.  Once you're sufficiently adept at reading people and so forth, you may not need to ask every time or whatever, but if you're not 100% sure that you can "read the room" correctly... better safe than sorry.

    5. Context matters.  The same actions (say, sitting next to someone and giving them a cheesy pick-up line) can be perfectly acceptable at a bar, a bit questionable at a grocery store, and downright frightening at a poorly lit bus stop at 3 in the morning.  Try to keep in mind that, to women who don't know you, you *are* Schrodinger's Rapist (that is, they have no real way to know whether or not you want to rape or otherwise hurt them until they're in a situation where you can do so, and either do, or don't).  Try to imagine that someone much bigger and stronger than you was going to approach you in that situation, and if you wouldn't want that, she probably won't, either.

    6. Remember that women are, well, people.  Not just objects for your lust.  Outside of some very specialized contexts (eg at an orgy), it's good if your first approach to someone, even someone you're only approaching because you want to boink them, is about some "neutral" subject.  Something in the environment (eg the music that's playing), a clothing choice (eg "I love your shirt"), a topical event (eg "What movie did you just see?"), or something like that.  If you *are* going to compliment her person, it should be something she can actually control, like her hair or her makeup, not, eg, that she's got an amazing ***.

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 year ago

    1) 

    Consider context. If you're in a work place environment, any expression of sexual interest is inappropriate. If you're interested in a colleague, it's not a bad idea to try to win a friendship and express interest in a non-work/casual setting. But keep in mind some of the below. 

    1a) If you're in a gay/lesbian bar and the woman isn't making the first very obvious moves, then you shouldn't hit on the women there. 2) If she says "no thanks" to an invitation, then that should be the end of your pursuit of a woman unless she makes it clear that she wants to "reschedule." As in "hey can I buy you a drink?" "No thanks." "Ok then have a nice night." La fin. Other examples of this are "I have a significant other," "I'm just here with my friends so I sorta wanna get back to them" or "It's been nice talking but..."Examples of a reschedule and therefore not a stop sign on your pursuit of her: "Hey can I buy you a drink." "Oh sorry I'm with my friends right now. Can I give you my number?"3) Anything that happens in Fifty Shades of Grey or Twilight. 4) Apart from professional handshakes, fist bumps, or those pats on the shoulder people give each other in movies about sports (NOT shoulder caresses but affable *pats), I think men should leave the initial touching to the woman, especially if they are unsure about how the touch will be perceived. If she touches you, I think it's fine to reciprocate *in kind. But don't escalate until, when after you've matched her actions, she continues with comfortable touches. This will allow her to continue with what she is comfortable with. If she stops touching you after you reciprocate, it is perhaps an indication that she is not a fan of reciprocation and wants to pull back to avoid communicating romantic interest. I think this is a good test because many times women are physically expressive but don't necessarily expect men to behave the same way in platonic interactions given how men and women are expected to behave in general.

    This is a moving target. You should not be the one initiating all touch or escalation. 

    5) Personal space is very much the same. Don't move into her personal space (unless you're like just trying to be heard better in a noisy place and only move in long enough to say what you're saying) until she starts to move into yours and stays there.

    Note of caution. I think it's fair to say that sometimes, women (and people in general) attempt to smooth things over when they are made uncomfortable just because society trains us to immediately respond to "is something wrong" with "no it's fine."  No should always mean no. And yes should be yes. But "I'm ok" or "I'm fine" don't always mean those things. Unfortunately I don't think this can be clear-cut or as deterministic as you asked for. I guess consent should be rather more enthusiastic than "fine" or "ok." 

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Most women tend to have a higher threshold for what “creepy” behavior they will tolerate from men who they find to be physically attractive. Get more attractive.

  • Bill
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    Frankly, I don't really care what women consider to be creepy. lol

    The truth is what is creepy and what is not is subjective. Men taking the time to worry about not being creepy will just make them come off as creepy or just all out terrible. It's better for men to just be who they are and let things go as they will. 

  • ?
    Lv 6
    1 year ago

    stalking is really bad just like bad manners

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