Girlfriends kids, how to handle them?

Question

Two kids are 9 and 7, and I've been in a relationship with the mom for almost a year. The parents are divorced and have joint custody. The children are generally good kids, we all get along, but lately things have been a little tense. The kids are acting out more than usual, telling me to shut up, not taking no for an answer, always asking why, screaming when they lose a game, etc. It's completely on my nerves, yet I feel the kids need patience, love, and understanding. My problem is, my girlfriend gets extremely upset when I say something to them that she finds offensive. I said yesterday, Ya know, that's a very spoiled attitude, and you're acting like a brat." Boy, did the claws come out on that one as my g/f told me name calling was not nessessary. So, I just went about my business, and stayed out of the way. We have communicated up and down, and her parenting style is not one I fully agree with. However, I don't let it ruin my day thinking about it, I just let it go. She will tell the child to be quiet 10 times until she finally yells at them, and then they're quiet. I'm more agitated at my g/f than I am the kids, as I feel it's not their fault. I think I just need to relax and continue to give them what they need. I don't see us breaking up anytime soon, and I want us to be a happy family, I just don't know what my boundries are, my g/f says one thing, but means another. Any thoughts?

Lea · Accepted Answer

I'd like to believe you and the mom have talked about each others feelings in the "respect of authority" department, or not. Kids at that age are very impressionable and if they believe they can get away with what they know to be normally wrong, they'll try. But, kids need to test the water to see if they'll float! From the get-go you and "mom" should have sat down and discussed what is expected concerning the children. And any disagreements should have been worked on then. 
I don't know how your relationship is with their father though. It can play a part in their attitude. Also, the moms parents? Anyway, I need to agree about the name calling though. There are better ways to insult a "brat" without it even being noticed, but not bluntly in front of mom. Not if she's light or wishy-washy on how things are done. What sort of relationship do you have with the kids? Are you just an authority figure (another adult to deal with) or do the 3 of you understand and respect one another? Do you ever "talk" to them and make sure you understand where they're coming from, or just tell them what to do? What about mom? 
If they're acting out, it's for a reason. When mom's not around (or they'll act as though you don't matter) sit them down and try to have a "real" conversation with them. Ask them how they feel about you and mom being together. If they like you. What they'd change if they could. How does this or that make them feel and why. And if you don't understand, ask questions and find out till you do. You'd be amazed how far you can get if you just give kids respect and treat them like smart people. And talk to mom, or it could get much worse. Good luck.

Girlfriends kids, how to handle them?

1 Answer