7 year old exessive talking/needing constant attention?

Question

I'm dating a wonderful women for about a year, and she has two children 7, and 9. We all get along great, and for the most part, we're happy. The 7 year old girl is quite the chatterbox, but the cuteness is wearing off. I'm not trying to sound harsh to a child, and I'm wondering how, or if we need to help her in different ways. From the moment she wakes up, until she goes to sleep, she's talking/screaming. Her mother will have to scold her 10 times a day or better, for the excessive noise when she screams. Mom will ask her to quiet down two or three times, and only until she gets visually upset about it will the noise stop. She is not ADHD, and does not get into trouble at all in school for talking. She's a really good student. Also, the child is negative about everything. She just said, "Why should I try, I'm just going to lose anyway," in regards to a board game. She has a hard time keeping friends due to her bossiness. She will tell even adults how we are going to do something, and when we are going to do it. If a game is being played, she will try and take control. If her sister is doing something, she will have to do the same thing without fail. If the sister is eating a strawberry, she will have to have a strawberry for example. I'm worried she is suffering from a self esteem issue, or something along those lines. We have tried positive reinforcement for a couple of months now, and nothing is getting better. She asks questions that make no sense constantly and we always try to answer her honestly. But she will come up with something such as, "Mom, do bee's really have 42 legs?" It's all day, everyday. I am wondering what could be the cause of her being bossy, needing to do everything her sister does, her negative attitude, and constant talking. She is a wonderful little girl, and is very sweet. I don't know if punishment is answer, or what to do @ this point. The girl is obviously bothered by something. Her parents are divorced, and my girlfriend has joint custody. The dad is an idiot, but he does care for his kids.

Ribbon · Accepted Answer

I know a 4 year old boy whose parents are divorced and he shares a lot of the same traits your step daughter has. ("look at me! look at this!" every 3 seconds. Bossy, controlling, nonsensical, poor sportsmanship. But very clever, good comprehension, very imaginative.)

For the 4 year old, I know it's about the divorce, and I know he really likes getting attention and being in control of situations.  When you really think about it, so much is out of his control and out of your step-daughter's control. Joint custody means a constant back and forth, shuffling here and there. Children don't have a very good sense of time, so to them it may seem random when they have to switch parent's houses. Maybe she needs more advance warning in order to feel more in control.

Whenever the kids ask me really dumb questions, I always respond with another question. "Well, what do you think?" It encourages critical thinking and stops the never-ending "Why" bombardment and they often come to a conclusion themselves. But I'll always answer thoughtful and serious questions.

As for the noise, I think you need to find a harsher punishment to dole out. You give too many warnings and then scream because you're frustrated and losing your cool. I believe very strongly in one warning and then the punishment. I hate asking kids to do things twice, so I don't.

Something to try instead, "Stop! You are using an outside voice. I want you to use an inside voice. If I hear you using an outside voice again, you will have to clean up all the toys / sit in the corner / lose your tv time / whatever punishment you want." You have to be swift and firm. When my kids start having a tantrum because they've been handed a time-out I literally say, "Stop! I don't care about your tears. Sit. When you are calm, I will come talk to you." Then I leave, or ignore them and let them cry it out. When they're calm I go over the rule that was broken and I explain my expectations again.

Comply or cry, either way they will do what you want eventually. You just need to be very quiet and patient. Sooner than later when she starts chatting away and you're trying to get work done all you will have to say is, "Stop! I'm working. When I'm done working then we can play." And she will listen the first time and get out of your hair for a while.

RottenPA · Answer

7 year olds think the universe revolves around them and when it doesn't, they do everything in their power to make it.

Congrats that this isn't an issue at school - usually it is.  She copies everything her sister does because that's what all little kids do when they have an older sibling.

If she has esteem issues, find something she likes and run with it.  Swimming, art, get her singing if she won't shut up.  Find something that is just hers and then let her hear you telling people all about how great she does.  Get her father and her sister bragging too.  It will give her confidence and a feeling of satisfaction.

Don't forget about the older one either.  While the squeaky wheel gets the grease, you still the ohter to work to get where you're going.

? · Answer

You are the mom I am assuming. Well, you might want to talk with her dad and make sure you are on the same page. I think your concerns are legitimate ones and this is a good time to start changing things. Just imagine what she will be like, if she always needs to be the center of attention, when she is older - a teen - an adult. This is not really fair on her either you see - and it may help to see it that way, that you are also doing her a service, to help her not be so self-aggrandizing and self-centered (in addition to her charm and good qualities). Seven is too old for tantrums, BTW, I think. My advice would also be to draw the line, give consequences for bad behaviour (tantrums). And to absolutely control the opportunities she has for showing off. Do not let her charm you into letting her endlessly show off to you or anyone else. Telling her is clearly not enough. You have to back up your words with some clear boundaries. I wish you lots of luck - you will be doing her a good deed!

phantom · Answer

Try to build her confidence and get her into something like ballet if the mom will let you. The ballet will tire her out making her more quiet when she gets home. Or you can wait until she becomes a teenager she wont want to talk to anyone at that point haha

7 year old exessive talking/needing constant attention?

4 Answers