Complicated funeral question - what would you do in this circumstance?

Your sentiments sound so genuine and I think you really do care about deceased person. Based on the information you provided I would suggest you to have a private prayer service. It'll be the best way to pay a proper tribute to your cousin. I don't know what more to add as the situation is very ...sensitive and the best thing is to avoid ugly confrontation. That's my opinion.

I'm sorry for your loss and wish the best for your relations with that family.

I would suggest that you show up right right before the service has started (sneak in the back), and leave RIGHT after it's over. You're there for your cousin-- not to cause trouble, or to argue with toxic family members. You don't want to stir up old hurts, and leaving afterwards will avoid any drama. That way they can't accuse you of ruining the funeral either. Don't argue with anyone-- even if they say something rude or hurtful to you. You can walk away and be the better person.

If anyone says anything hurtful to you while you're at the service, or if they ask you to leave, you can use your own judgment. You could tell them you intend on leaving right after the service, and that you're there to pay your respects to your cousin.

You can have your own service for your cousin in your home, and I'd pledge to do an act of kindness in honor of her memory. You could volunteer somewhere for a day, or donate some food to a food pantry. You could also donate $$$ to a cancer research organization in honor of her memory.

Regardless of what you do-- she knows how you feel in your heart. God will deliver a message to her in prayer. Believe me-- she will get the message even if you don't attend the funeral.

You might extend an olive branch to the family in a couple of weeks by sending a sympathy card and/or making a memorial donation to a cancer organization in her name. The organization will send a card to the family notifying them that a donation has been made in the name of their loved one.

If you send a card, say something like "I realize we've had some rough times and some disagreements, but I want to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. _________ was a wonderful person and she will be missed. I hope to talk to you soon. If there's anything I can do to help you through this time, please call me."

Of course, you can make it more or less emotional based on your personality and depending on how damaged the relationship is. They may not respond-- and that's okay too-- you can at least feel good about having done the right thing.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I am really sorry about your cousin, even though you had a falling out, i think you should ask to be allowed to go to the funeral. Don't just barge in on the question but probe it gently towards that side of the family. Its wrong that they kept her passing away from you, but you do have a right to be able to pay your respects. They could have power to legally stop you, but if they are hurting the way you are now, then they should let you come to the funeral. but if that doesn't work and you can't go, i think you could hold a private one on your own or with family. That way even though it isn't official, you have a goodbye to say to her. It can be netter than going to one where people may not want you there. I hope this helps x

I would go and when ur questioned bout it say u heard bout it NEVER SAY THE NAME OF THE PERSON PLZZZZ and say to them that they r rather complete jerks and hope that they feel guilty bout the whole hiding it part, u would have found out eventually, and then tell them never to talk to u again.

I'm furious just reading this.