Looking for advice: dealing with a 4 yr old who has so much anger?

I sympathize with you. I teach preschool and this year had a child who threw tantrums several times each morning. It upset the entire class. We (all the preschool staff) tried everything, and in the end, we were all happy that the Mother decided to put him in a private school for next year, so he is no longer with us.

This situation sounds out of control. If he is hurting others, and teachers too, it is only a matter of time before another parent complains because her child has been hurt by this boy. You can be sure that the other kids are talking about him at home to their parents, so they are already on the lookout for injuries. You could lose good families at your school because they leave to attend somewhere else.

Ultimately, he may need to be expelled. Are there guidelines in your school handbook for situations like these? Under what conditions can a child be expelled? Make sure your school director is involved in this. When the boy in my class acted up, I made sure I spoke with the director a few times each morning, so she knew how he was acting.I would document the tantrums each day, noting what teachers were in the room, what time of day it was, what went on (throwing things, hurting others).

If the Mom doesn't see that it happens at home, either it really doesn't happen, or she is not being truthful about his behavior. It is hard to believe that a kid who throws such violent tantrums can be totally fine at home. There must have been some time when he has gotten frustrated at home and she has seen how he can get.

You need to have a conference with the Mother, and include the Aides in your class and the school director. Tell the Mom what is going on. Tell her how bad it is, and that the situation needs to be resolved immediately. Ask about any possible medical conditions. If the boy is mad that he's at school, can she reduce the number of days or hours he comes to school?

Invite her to stay in the hallway to listen to what is going on, or call her on the phone at home when he has a tantrum. Make her come and get him. Disrupt her day, so she has to pay attention to what is going on.

Don't go it alone. Make sure you have others who know how bad this is, and all stick together as the staff.

I feel sorry for you. The day that my tantrum kid left my class, I wanted to throw a party. I had gotten to the point of not sleeping, and having an upset stomach most of the time. It's very hard.

The first thing for the school protection make sure you have these episodes recorded in as much details as possible.

Second recognize that there will be children who you can't help and they will need Professional help

Third the child may need to be taken away from the others as soon as he starts to a quite room or a place away from the reach of others, he may also need some alone time, a crowd disorients some children

Fourth check to see if he knows how else to respond to situations, maybe he does not know and is displaying only that which he is exposed to

Fifth check to see he is not being rewarded in some way maybe by all that attention, put something in place if he misbehaves no one speaks to him for a while or something else he desires to be removed

Have you tried using a token board or behavior visuals from PECS or BoardMaker? Using a token board correctly will give the child a goal to work for that he chooses.

It would probably be a good idea to go over the rules of the classroom many times each day and role play with the child using social skill lessons.

When he is misbehaving, he should be given a warning before punishment - such as not being able to go out for outside time, or not being able to complete a fun activity. He needs to understand there are consequences to misbehaving - and the teachers need to follow through and be consistent with their rules and their handling of the child.

His mother needs to be informed every day, via a journal about his behavior in class - whether it was acceptable or inappropriate.

Good luck!

As a child I was a bit of loner, not very social. I had my own personal history and problems as a young child. Nothing major but I can't tell you how many people try to "fix" me by using these special advice. It got me mad. I wasn't broken. My advice would be to not treat me like a crazy kid. These kids are getting smarter and smarter dammit.

If he's becoming a danger to others and himself then his place isn't there. You are not miracle workers so you should leave the kid to his mother and suggest to have his head checked(in a nice way). Being there regardless will help.

To the person who was smart in what they said. Yes 10 months, guess you never had the chance to experience love! As far as my daughter not having my time when we started dating, guess you were not a fly on the wall because we only went on dates my daughter could enjoy with us and only had 2 solo dates in the beginning bc I wanted my daughter to get involved and I wanted to see how she reacted and she loves my husband. As far as punishment, I'm not punishing her b/c of her missing mommy, that's just ridiculous. I am punishing her for the way she is acting and the things she's doing that is wrong! If she acts out by throwing and hitting and biting, she goes to her room and sits there till she can calm down and move forwards. We have been doing the room thing for a few days now and so far it seems to be working, but thank you!

Young children are experience mixtures of feelings they cannot always distinguish - irritation, anger, frustration, fear, resentment, hurt or anxiety. When these emotions occur, they can release adrenaline in response to the body's fight/flight reaction.

Children may instinctively become quick to anger or fear because they have not learned to deal with their feelings of helplessness. Since Mom says this doesn't happen at home, I'm willing to bet that it's being in school and away from family that is creating feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, etc.

The anger response you're describing can be habit forming. It feels good to take control through anger. It feels good to vent emotions. Unfortunately, it can destroy relationships. It can be detrimental to health in the long run. It can make it impossible for a child to socialize.

Rather than finding punitive ways of dealing, I would try to work with mom and the child to find ways to help stem those feelings. Maybe he can have a wallet with a picture of mom in it so he can look at her anytime. Maybe he needs some sort of security blanket. I know we had one youngster whose mommy had a little teddy bear. She entrusted him with her teddy bear every day. He was to take care of it. She would come at the end of the day to get them both. You can probably come up with other ideas. Would it work for everyone if mommy made a phone call just before nap time to say she loved him?

Once the anger has kicked in, it's harder to control. Sometimes a slow, deep breathing exercise helps to calm. Make a game out of it. "Everyone in the room lay down. Close your eyes. Breath in through your nose. Hold your breath . Breath out. Who can take the biggest breath? Lets do it again."

I don't know if that helps, but I hope so. Good luck.