Still sucking at sonnets, but here's another one for critique, would you?

Question

The Sonnet Of Importance

And then, when the guns have fallen silent
And then, when the swords have been dulled by rust
And then will we know what it is that’s meant
By the thundering beat that’s ‘neath our bust

Not glory, fame nor immortality
Not colours, medals, bright and a-glimmer
Not brave feats of Hollywood gallantry
Not memories than only grow dimmer

Instead it is truth – the bonds between men
The connections we make during our time
Not the people long-gone, lost, forgotten
But the ones who remain, there to share wine

My friends, my family and ‘course my love
There’s nothing greater below nor above.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well I keep my beat under my chest not my head and shoulders. A double under needs to be drawn out a little more.

Otherwise it is mediocre.
Thanks.

? · Answer

I still suck at critiquing sonnets so I'll skip that.

I like the repetitiveness of the first two quatrains (almost expected it in the third, but that's okay; it still works). Good imagery here. I only really had a problem with the first line of the couplet, like "and 'course my love" should be in parenthesis or something.

L4 - ma fave.

Grannyjill · Answer

You're right, Alobar, you do suck at sonnets! (well, that's a bit harsh - the rhyme scheme is fine, it's the beat, beat, beat of uneven feet which is the problem). Nevertheless, this is a nice poem- with a heartfelt theme...just change its name to

The Song of Importance

You've got a typo 2V 4L - 'that' - thought you might not notice.

it&#39;s me · Answer

I am not a sonnet critic.  I think this is grand!  The repetition works for me.

Anonymous · Answer

The meter is really tricky... I'm too tired to comment on that...

But I like the content especially the second stanza... 

One nit pick...

Not memories than only grow dimmer?

'than' or 'that'?

neonman · Answer

'Bust' seems somewhat forced but it does work.  The final line: 'nor' or 'or'?  Overall, it reads well although meter does vary.

Sandy Giggles · Answer

I don't care if it "fits" the rules or not, this is excellent!

This is a keeper for the ages to come!

Anonymous · Answer

Even my fart sounds better than what you have written here.chimp go and fornicate with your own kind ,instead of wasting your and my time.

Still sucking at sonnets, but here's another one for critique, would you?

8 Answers