I have sole custody and dad has no visitations! But he demands to speak with them and see them?

Question

I have sole custody of my children for years. Dad has no visitation rights unless I allow it. Even after the fact of him losing his rights I would let him pick them up 2x a month for 24 hrs. Anywho before Covid I found out he did not have a license. I stopped him from picking them up & instead I would take them & pick them up. But recently in March that stopped because of the virus. He lives with his parents, his daughter & his brother. A little before the virus his brother had drama going on with his parents & was eventually kicked out & his baby was placed with his parents by DCFS. I took them twice (1x in April & 1x in May for Mothers day) to see their grandparents & Dad for 2 hours each time supervised by me. Now it is June & my ex demands me to take my children over there & demands me answer my phone when he calls. Before I go any further let me say he still cannot get over me remarrying & he texts childish msgs. My husband has been a 2nd father & loves them as his own. My ex stopped paying child support since he knows tax season passed & many got their checks along with the stimulus checks being sent out. Mind you he says I don't need money from him. I have enough. 
Their father has never been there for school events & makes promises he can't keep. He would video chat them only to see what is in the backround. The kids have told me many times they don't want to talk to him nor even go to see him they rather stay home. Do I have to force them to make calls and see him?

Judy and Charlie · Answer

No.

Get this down in writing for him.
Write him a posted letter and explain to him that:

1)  He has failed to pay required child support dictated by court order.  And so he has broken the law.
2)  You have asked the children if they want to go over and see him and their grandparents or talk to them on the phone and they have declined...however, he is welcome to sit down and write them a letter.  They will answer if they choose.

If visitation was not required as part of the divorce, then the unwillingness of your children to communicate with their Dad is this choice and it should be honored.

Pearl · Answer

maybe he can get supervised visitation

Anonymous · Answer

He has no rights until and unless the Court awards rights to him.  No, and, in fact, if he has no rights and you give him rights you COULD make it difficult to go back to "no rights."

Child support and visitation are NOT related - verify with your attorney.

YOU may have opened the door to a revised Order by allowing him to spend time with the children.  It's just that simple.

Anonymous · Answer

You make this kind of tough when you don't give your kids' ages.  There's a big difference between 5 and 15.  One of the reasons I mention this is if there's supervision when they're with their dad, the younger they are the more important it is that you make this decision and don't let them beg or negotiate.  Kids aren't always the best judge of what they need.

Also, you want to make very sure they aren't picking up on your feelings about him (or your husband's).  Never forget that you are the most important person in the world to them.  If they overhear something or even just read your body language, they might subconsciously be trying to "please you" by taking your side over their dad's.  This is actually fairly common.

With this said, the exception is if you ever feel there's risk in going over there.  You didn't say anything about what caused his bro's kids to end up in the system, but this is never about something minor.  If the bro moves back in or something like that happens, you'd want to adjust to that.

Needful Sinner · Answer

" Do I have to force them to make calls and see him?"

Not unless a court tell you to, if you are not under a court order you two would have to agree to such a meeting in front of a judge.

" The kids have told me many times they don't want to talk to him nor even go to see him they rather stay home. "

Make sure that remains their decision and not yours.   If you make it for them they'll remember you as the one who created distance between them and their father.  My mom let me see 'dad', she knew he'd be a letdown and figured better for them to see it for themselves, and she trusted we would,

I have sole custody and dad has no visitations! But he demands to speak with them and see them?

5 Answers