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What can I do about my jealous adult step-child?
I'm having a problem that I don't know how to handle. I married my husband almost 20 years ago, his wife had died (my first husband had also died) and we each had two teens. We both sold our homes, and bought a bigger house together.
So far, so good. I am using the terms "step children" and "my children" to differentiate them, but we don't use those words in our family.
I have always treated my step-children well, my own kids don't get anything that my husband's kids don't get - at birthdays we spend the same on each one, at Christmas too - and that now goes for all their children as well - I do not favour my own bio-kids or grand-children over my husbands.
The problem is that HIS children have always been jealous of MY children.
For example, I include my step children when I call my kids once or twice a week, or go and visit them - in fact my step-son lives closer than either of my own kids do, so we have always gone there more.
The problems started a year ago when there was trouble between my son's girlfriend and my step-son's wife (my step-son's wife is the one who told me all about how badly she had spoken to the other girl), so at Christmas 2012 we had two Christmas dinners with my step-children at their homes, and one Christmas dinner with my children.
All Hell broke loose!
I am apparently not allowed to have a meal with my own kids! My step son and his wife have not brought their children to visit us since then, although I do go and visit them at their house.
On Mother's Day my step-son came by but wouldn't come in the house (my own children were here, they had arrived with their families a few minutes earlier). When I asked his wife why he was so angry and wouldn't come in, she said "He had every right to be angry, he is tired of being second best!"
None of this makes sense to me. I am allowed to have a meal with anyone on the planet, just not my own children?
This is just one example of the jealousy that has gone on for twenty years - years ago, when I took my own daughter to the cemetery to visit her father's grave on the anniversary of his death, my step children called my husband and their grandparents to complain about me! I had offered to take THEM to their mother's grave the month before, but they didn't want to go, but they were so angry when I took my daughter.
There was always anger if I ever spoke to one of my children, privately, even if it was about nothing to do with my step-children, there would be anger and yelling at me, things smashed, fists through walls etc.
My husband won't talk to his son about this, at the moment they are angry with ME so he is staying out of it, but I think he should tell his son that he should be ashamed of his behaviour towards me because I have always been kind to him and his sister.
I have tried to heal this rift in our family, but my and step-son and his wife are still angry and hostile.
I asked this question before, but I think my daughter-in-law saw it as it was deleted due to a complaint from someone who said it violated YA rules!
Thanks Simon, I considered that, but the first time I knew there was even a problem was on Mother's Day when my step-son's wife put on Facebook how awful I was and that her husband felt like he didn't have a Mother, and said thank you (to me) for reminding him that he didn't have a Mother, and how awful I was for not inviting their family, when my family were obviously invited over - I hadn't invited anyone, it was Mother's Day and all the kids usually come, I didn't know I was supposed to invite them. I guess I am upset because she put this publicly, trying to make me look bad.
EDIT II: I'm sure we have all made mistakes, but this young man's Mom had died and nobody in his Mom or Dad's families were paying much attention to the children, so when I met him the year after his wife's death, I loved and cared for his children.
This is the young man whose toe nails I cut, whose hair I trimmed, who I cooked, laundered and cleaned up for, who I ran to school, work, his friends, his grandparents, the one I waited up for on school nights for him to come home at 2:00 am, the young man I ran to work every night after he lost his driver's licence for DUI, the young man I ran to his Community Service after he was found guilty of stealing things out of parked cars, the young man who has stolen from me, who has broken my furniture, who had cursed and screamed at me, who has lied about me, and now ..... he is angry because he feels he is "second best".
The kicker was that my husband got a gift at Christmas from them, but I didn't. When
every gift and card for birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Easter, Valentine's Day, for the past 20 years has always been from ME, not his Dad, every phone call and every visit has always been suggested by ME.
I don't understand why they would treat me this way.
I am almost 60 years old with a bad heart condition and this has been going on for 1/3 of my life, and I am tired.
2 Answers
- ?Lv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
How difficult for you.
All adults are responsible for themselves, and any childhood problems need to be left behind in childhood. You have all made mistakes in the past, no doubt, and it is sad that you seem to be blamed for things you don't consider your fault.
What you do need to do is to move forward, all of you. You probably need to do this in a family counselling situation. However, you could organise a family conference, in which you can apologise for your shortcomings and mistakes (in the invitation), but you and your husband love everyone in your family unconditionally and want to move forward and plan the future positively. As adults, they surely appreciate that not everyone will be happy with any arrangements. All relationships require acceptance. You need to accept your step children's feelings, even if you don't hold with them, and vice versa. You children and your husband's don't have to be bosom buddies, but as adults they can at least be civil to one another, can't they?
